Introduction: There Is Hope
If you're reading this, you're probably in pain. Your marriage might feel like it's hanging by a thread, and you're wondering if it's even worth trying to save. Maybe you've been fighting more than talking. Maybe the silence between you has grown deafening. Maybe you're questioning whether the person you married is even still there.
Here's what I want you to know: the fact that you're here, searching for answers, is itself a sign of hope.
Dr. John Gottman, who has studied couples for over four decades, found that the average couple waits six years too long to seek help. But marriages can recover from almost anything—infidelity, financial crisis, years of neglect—if both partners are willing to do the work.
The key word is "willing." And if you're reading this, you're already showing willingness.
This article will help you identify whether your marriage has the foundational elements needed for recovery. Not every marriage should be saved, and we'll talk honestly about that too. But many marriages that feel "too far gone" have actually come back stronger than before.
Let's look at the signs.
The Foundation: Signs 1-5
Sign 1: You Still Have Mutual Respect (Even When You're Angry)
Respect is different from love. You can be furious with someone and still respect them. You can disagree intensely and still value their perspective.
Research from the Gottman Institute shows that contempt—not conflict—is the number one predictor of divorce. Contempt looks like eye-rolling, mockery, name-calling, and treating your partner like they're beneath you.
What to look for: Even in your worst fights, do you avoid character assassinations? Do you refrain from bringing up their deepest insecurities as weapons? Can you acknowledge their point of view, even if you don't agree with it?
If the answer is yes, your foundation is intact.
What to do: Consciously practice respect in small moments. Say "thank you" for mundane things. Acknowledge their contributions. Speak about them positively to others.
Sign 2: At Least One of You Is Willing to Change
It takes two people to make a marriage work, but it only takes one person to start changing the dynamic.
Dr. Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, found that when one partner begins responding differently to conflict, the entire relationship system shifts. You don't both need to be ready at the exact same moment.
What to look for: Are you willing to examine your own behavior? Is your partner open to feedback, even if they're defensive at first? Has either of you suggested counseling, reading books, or trying new approaches?
Even reluctant willingness counts. "I don't think it will work, but I'm willing to try" is enough to start.
What to do: Focus on what you can control—your own responses, reactions, and patterns. When you change your steps in the dance, your partner has to change theirs too.
Sign 3: You Remember Why You Fell in Love
This might seem simple, but it's crucial. Can you remember what attracted you to your partner? What made you laugh together? What dreams you shared?
If those memories are gone entirely—if you literally cannot recall a time when you were happy together—that's concerning. But if you can remember, even through layers of hurt and disappointment, there's something to build on.
What to look for: Do old photos stir any warm feelings? Are there inside jokes that still make you smile, even briefly? Can you remember specific moments when you felt connected?
The memories don't need to outweigh the current pain. They just need to exist.
What to do: Create a shared document or journal where you both write down positive memories from your relationship. Start with the beginning—your first date, your wedding day, early moments of falling in love.
Sign 4: You're Both Still Showing Up
This might sound odd when your marriage feels like it's falling apart, but physical presence matters. Are you both still coming home? Still sleeping in the same house (even if not the same bed)? Still participating in family routines?
What to look for: Neither of you has emotionally or physically abandoned the relationship entirely. You're not living separate lives. You haven't given up completely.
Even showing up out of obligation or "for the kids" demonstrates that the connection hasn't been completely severed.
What to do: Start with small acts of showing up more intentionally. Come to dinner. Ask about their day. Be present for 15 minutes without your phone.
Sign 5: You Can Still Have Rational Conversations (Sometimes)
You don't need to be getting along perfectly. But if you can occasionally have a conversation about logistics, decisions, or even problems without it immediately escalating into warfare, you have a crucial skill intact.
What to look for: Can you discuss the grocery list, the kids' schedules, or household repairs without fighting? Are there any topics that remain "safe"?
These neutral zones are important. They show that you can still cooperate and communicate when the emotional temperature is lower.
What to do: Protect these neutral zones. Don't bring up heavy relationship issues during practical conversations. Build your communication skills in low-stakes situations first.
Behavioral Signs: Signs 6-10
Sign 6: Small Gestures Haven't Completely Stopped
Grand romantic gestures matter less than you think. What matters is the daily texture of your life together—and whether small kindnesses still exist.
What to look for: Does one of you still make coffee for the other? Fill the gas tank? Pick up their favorite snack at the store? These tiny actions show that you're still thinking about each other.
Dr. John Gottman calls these "bids for connection." A bid can be as simple as commenting on the weather or sharing something funny you saw. What matters is whether your partner responds—or ignores the bid.
What to do: Start making small bids for connection again. Share an article they might find interesting. Bring them water when they're working. Don't expect immediate reciprocation; just plant seeds.
Sign 7: You're Still Physically Intimate (In Any Way)
I'm not just talking about sex, though that matters too. I'm talking about any form of physical connection: holding hands, a hug goodbye, sitting close on the couch, a hand on the shoulder.
Physical touch releases oxytocin, which builds bonding and trust. When touch stops completely, emotional distance quickly follows.
What to look for: Is there any physical affection left, even if it's minimal? Do you still touch each other at all, even in passing?
If sex has stopped but other touch continues, that's actually a good sign—it means you're still connected, just stressed or overwhelmed.
What to do: Reintroduce non-sexual touch first. A six-second hug (the length needed to release oxytocin). Holding hands during a walk. A gentle touch on the arm during conversation.
Sign 8: You're Fighting (Yes, This Can Be a Good Sign)
Silence is more dangerous than fighting. When couples stop fighting, it often means they've stopped caring. Fighting shows that you both still have emotional investment in the relationship.
The question isn't whether you fight, but how you fight.
What to look for: Even in conflict, are you still trying to be heard and understood? Are you fighting about the relationship itself (a sign you care about fixing it) rather than just coexisting in cold silence?
Researcher Dr. Julie Gottman found that couples who engage in conflict—even heated conflict—but then repair afterwards have stronger marriages than couples who avoid conflict entirely.
What to do: Learn to fight better. Use "I feel" statements instead of accusations. Take breaks when you're flooded. Come back to repair after arguments.
Sign 9: You Can Still Apologize (Or Accept Apologies)
Pride kills marriages. The ability to say "I'm sorry" and mean it—or to accept an apology graciously—shows humility and flexibility.
What to look for: Can either of you admit when you're wrong? Even if it's difficult or takes time? Can the other person accept that apology without punishing them for it?
Apologies don't need to be perfect. "I'm sorry I hurt you, even though I didn't mean to" counts.
What to do: Practice apologizing for small things to rebuild this muscle. "I'm sorry I forgot to pick up milk." "I apologize for being short with you earlier." Start small and build.
Sign 10: You're Still Making Plans for the Future
This is subtle but significant. Are you still talking about "next summer" or "when the kids are older" as a unit? Or have you started unconsciously separating your futures?
What to look for: Do you still use "we" language when talking about the future? Are you making plans together—even mundane ones like home repairs or family vacations?
If you're still entwining your futures in conversation, your brains haven't accepted divorce as inevitable.
What to do: Actively make small plans together. Plan a date night next weekend. Discuss where you might want to travel someday. Keep building a shared future narrative.
Emotional Signs: Signs 11-15
Sign 11: You Still Get Jealous (In Healthy Ways)
Jealousy gets a bad reputation, but appropriate jealousy shows you still value your partner. If the thought of them being interested in someone else causes a pang, you still care.
What to look for: Do you notice when others flirt with your partner? Do you care if they're emotionally close to someone else? Not obsessive jealousy, but normal protectiveness of your bond.
If you genuinely wouldn't care if they dated someone else, that's a warning sign of emotional detachment.
What to do: Be honest about these feelings. "I felt jealous when your coworker texted you at night" can open important conversations about boundaries and connection.
Sign 12: Your Partner's Pain Still Affects You
Empathy is one of the last things to die in a relationship. If you can still feel pain when your partner is hurting—even if you're angry at them—your emotional connection survives.
What to look for: When they're sick, do you want to help? When they're struggling at work, do you feel concerned? When they cry, does it move you at all?
You don't need to rush in to fix everything. Just notice whether their suffering still registers emotionally for you.
What to do: Act on these empathetic impulses. Offer comfort even when things are rough between you. This rebuilds emotional safety.
Sign 13: You're Willing to Be Vulnerable Again
This is terrifying when your marriage is in crisis. Being vulnerable when you're already hurt feels like handing someone ammunition. But vulnerability is how intimacy is rebuilt.
What to look for: Are you willing to share your real feelings—your fear, your sadness, your longing for connection? Can you risk being honest about your needs?
Even the fear of being vulnerable (rather than complete emotional shutdown) shows that you still hope to be seen and understood.
What to do: Start with small vulnerabilities. "I miss us." "I'm scared about where we're headed." "I felt really alone when you said that." See how your partner responds.
Sign 14: You Haven't Built Separate Lives Yet
When marriages are truly ending, couples start building parallel lives. Separate friend groups, separate hobbies, separate everything. You're roommates who happen to share a legal document.
What to look for: Do you still have shared friends? Shared activities? Shared responsibilities you both care about? Are your lives still intertwined in meaningful ways?
If your lives overlap significantly, you have something to work with.
What to do: Intentionally create more shared experiences. Try a new hobby together. Make friends as a couple. Invest in your shared life, not just your individual ones.
Sign 15: Deep Down, You Don't Want It to End
This is the most important sign of all. Beneath the hurt, the anger, the frustration, the exhaustion—do you want to save this marriage?
Not because of the kids, or finances, or what people will think. But because when you imagine your life, you still want this person in it?
What to look for: In quiet moments, what do you hope for? When you imagine working through this, does it feel like relief? Or like prolonging the inevitable?
Be brutally honest with yourself. There's no shame in either answer.
What to do: If the answer is yes, commit fully to the process of repair. Get help. Do the work. Give it everything you have. If the answer is no, be honest about that too.
What These Signs Mean for Your Future
If you recognized most of these signs in your marriage, here's what it means: your relationship has the raw materials for recovery.
You're not starting from scratch. The foundation—respect, willingness, empathy, connection—is damaged but not destroyed. And damaged things can be repaired.
This doesn't mean it will be easy. Recovery from a marriage crisis is hard work. It requires:
- Consistent effort from both partners (though not necessarily at the same pace)
- Professional support from a qualified therapist
- Time—healing doesn't happen overnight
- Willingness to change patterns that have been years in the making
- Forgiveness—of your partner and yourself
But thousands of couples have walked this path before you. Marriages that looked hopeless have been transformed into partnerships that are stronger and more intimate than before the crisis.
The crisis can become a catalyst. When you're forced to look at what's broken, you also have the opportunity to rebuild it better.
The Difference Between Rough Patches and Real Problems
Not every difficult season in marriage is a crisis. Here's how to tell the difference:
Rough patches:
- Caused by external stressors (job loss, new baby, illness)
- You're teammates struggling against a shared problem
- Your core values and goals still align
- You miss each other and the connection you had
- The relationship feels hard right now, but not fundamentally wrong
Real problems:
- Caused by internal relationship dynamics (contempt, betrayal, fundamental incompatibility)
- You feel like adversaries rather than partners
- Your core values have diverged significantly
- You feel relief when you're apart
- The relationship has felt wrong for a long time, not just recently
Understanding this difference helps you assess whether you need support getting through a difficult season, or whether you need deeper intervention to address fundamental issues.
Both can be addressed. But they require different approaches.
Stories of Couples Who Came Back from the Brink
Marcus and Jennifer had been married 14 years when they separated. Years of working opposite schedules, raising three kids, and never making time for each other had created a chasm. They barely spoke without arguing. Jennifer had started an emotional affair with a coworker.
But when Marcus moved out, something shifted. They both realized they didn't want to explain to their kids why their family was breaking apart. They started marriage counseling—separately at first, then together.
It took 18 months. They had to learn to communicate all over again. They had to rebuild trust. They had to date each other like they were starting over. Today, seven years later, Jennifer says their marriage is better than it was even in the beginning—because now it's built on real intimacy, not just infatuation.
David and Chen faced a different crisis. After David's business failed, he sank into depression and emotionally withdrew. Chen felt abandoned, raising their kids alone while David barely spoke. She was planning to file for divorce when David finally agreed to get help.
Treating his depression didn't instantly fix their marriage—they had years of resentment to work through. But it created the space for reconnection. As David healed, Chen was able to express her anger and hurt. They learned that mental health issues had damaged their marriage, but the marriage itself wasn't the problem.
Samantha and Troy separated after 22 years of marriage. They'd grown into different people with different values. But after a year apart, they realized they'd rather grow together than separately. They're now in the process of "remarrying" each other—dating, getting to know who they are now, and choosing each other with full awareness of their differences.
These stories have a common thread: both partners became willing to do the hard work. Not because the marriage was easy or comfortable, but because they decided it was worth fighting for.
Your Next Steps Based on Where You Are
Your path forward depends on where you are right now. Here's what to do:
If you recognized 12-15 signs:
Your marriage has a strong foundation for recovery. Your next steps:
- Get professional help immediately. Don't wait. Find a marriage therapist who specializes in couples in crisis.
- Read together. Books like "Hold Me Tight" by Dr. Sue Johnson or "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by Dr. John Gottman can give you both a framework.
- Start weekly check-ins. Set aside 30 minutes each week to talk about your relationship without distractions.
- Recommit to small daily connection. Six-second hugs. Questions about each other's day. Small acts of kindness.
If you recognized 8-11 signs:
Your marriage is struggling but salvageable. You need more intensive support:
- Individual therapy first. Each of you may need to work on personal issues before you can work on the marriage together.
- Assess for specific issues. Addiction, mental health issues, or trauma may be underlying your marriage problems and need direct treatment.
- Create safety. If there's been infidelity, abuse, or major betrayals, you need to establish safety before you can rebuild trust.
- Consider a marriage intensive. Some therapists offer multi-day marriage retreats for couples in crisis.
If you recognized 5-7 signs:
Your marriage is in serious trouble. You need to act now:
- Crisis intervention. Find a therapist who specializes in high-conflict or crisis couples. Regular marriage counseling may not be intensive enough.
- Trial separation (with conditions). Sometimes couples need space to de-escalate and gain perspective. But this only works if you're both using the time productively—in therapy, doing personal work, and working toward reunion.
- Radical honesty. You may need to have very difficult conversations about whether you both still want this marriage. That's okay.
- Set a timeline. Decide together how long you'll work on this before reassessing. This gives you both clarity and motivation.
If you recognized fewer than 5 signs:
Be honest with yourself about whether this marriage should be saved. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is let go.
But if you're not ready to give up:
- Get individual support. You may need to work on yourself first before you can address the marriage.
- Address deal-breakers directly. If there's abuse, active addiction, or complete refusal to engage, these must be addressed before marriage work can happen.
- Set boundaries for yourself. What are you willing to accept? What absolutely needs to change for you to stay?
- Give it a defined period of intense effort. Three months of real work. If nothing changes, you have your answer.
When It Might Be Time to Let Go: An Honest Assessment
Sometimes love isn't enough. Sometimes the healthiest thing you can do is acknowledge that this relationship can't give you both what you need.
Here are signs it may be time to let go:
If there's ongoing abuse. Physical, emotional, sexual, or financial abuse that continues despite intervention is not something you should try to fix. Your safety matters more than your marriage.
If your core values have fundamentally diverged. If one of you wants children and the other absolutely doesn't. If your religious beliefs have changed in incompatible ways. If you fundamentally disagree about how to live life.
If one person has completely checked out. You can't save a marriage alone. If your partner refuses counseling, refuses to engage, refuses to acknowledge problems, you can't force them to participate.
If you've already tried everything. Years of counseling, multiple therapists, trial separations, books, workshops—and nothing has changed. Sometimes you've done the work and it's still not working.
If staying is destroying you. If the marriage is causing severe mental health issues, physical illness from stress, or preventing you from being a good parent to your children.
If you've genuinely fallen out of love. Not the temporary distance that comes from hard times, but a deep, long-term realization that you don't want to be married to this person anymore.
There's no shame in divorce when it's the right choice. Sometimes two good people are simply wrong for each other. Sometimes marriages run their course.
The key is being honest with yourself about which situation you're in.
Resources and Support
Recovery from a marriage crisis requires support. Here are resources to help:
Find a therapist:
- American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy
- Psychology Today Therapist Finder
- Look for therapists trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) or Gottman Method
Books to read together:
- "Hold Me Tight" by Dr. Sue Johnson
- "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by Dr. John Gottman
- "After the Affair" by Janis Spring (if infidelity is involved)
- "Fierce Conversations" by Susan Scott
Online programs:
- The Gottman Institute's online workshops
- Hold Me Tight online program
- Marriage.com resources
Support groups:
- Retrouvaille (for couples in crisis)
- Local marriage support groups through churches or community centers
For crisis situations:
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988
- Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741
Your Marriage Can Still Be Saved—Here's How to Start
If you've made it this far, you're serious about saving your marriage. That commitment is the first and most important step.
Here's what to do right now, today:
- Take inventory. Which of the 15 signs did you recognize? Write them down. This helps you see your starting point clearly.
- Have an honest conversation with your partner. Share that you've been thinking about the state of your marriage. Ask if they're willing to work on it with you.
- Find a therapist. Don't wait. Start researching marriage therapists in your area today. Make the first appointment this week.
- Do one small thing differently. Choose one behavior or pattern you can change immediately. Maybe it's your tone when you disagree. Maybe it's making time for a weekly date. Start there.
- Practice hope. Your marriage is in crisis, but crisis can be a turning point. Thousands of couples have walked this path and come out stronger.
The most important thing to remember: You don't need to fix everything at once. You just need to take the next right step.
Your marriage ended up here through thousands of small moments of disconnection. It can be healed through thousands of small moments of reconnection.
It won't be linear. Some days will feel like progress. Some days will feel like you're back at square one. That's normal. Keep going.
The relationship you build on the other side of this crisis—if you both commit to the work—can be more intimate, more honest, and more resilient than what you had before. Because it will be built on truth, not just hope. On real intimacy, not just surface harmony.
You can do this. But you can't do it alone.
Ready to take the next step? Our Crisis Guide offers a comprehensive roadmap for couples in crisis, including specific action plans, communication scripts, and week-by-week guidance for the first 90 days of recovery. Don't navigate this alone—get the support you need to save your marriage.
Your story isn't over yet. The next chapter starts now.