If you're here, things feel hopeless. Maybe they are. Or maybe there's something left to try.
This guide won't tell you what to do. It will help you think clearly and make sure you've tried the right things before deciding.
A Honest questions to answer
Do you BOTH want to save this?
Not "should you" - do you actually want to? If only one person wants it, that's important information.
Is there contempt?
Contempt (disgust, mockery, eye-rolling) is the strongest predictor of divorce. If it's present, it must be addressed first - and it's very hard to fix.
Have you tried with professional help?
Reading articles isn't the same as working with a skilled therapist. Many couples who seemed hopeless have turned around with the right help.
Is there abuse?
Physical, emotional, or financial abuse is a different situation. Your safety comes first. Couples therapy is often not recommended when abuse is present.
B Option 1: Structured Separation
This is NOT "taking a break" - it's a therapeutic tool. A structured separation gives both people space to calm their nervous systems and think clearly.
The rules:
- Written agreement: timeline (usually 3-6 months), finances, communication schedule
- Clear expectations about dating others (usually: don't)
- Individual therapy for both during this time
- Scheduled check-ins to reassess
This isn't for everyone. But for some couples, time apart with clear structure leads to clarity - either to reconnect or to separate with respect.
C Option 2: Intensive therapy
Weekly therapy sessions may not be enough at this stage. Consider intensive formats:
- Gottman Couples Retreat: Weekend intensive workshop
- Private intensive sessions: Multiple hours over several days with one therapist
- Discernment counseling: Specifically for couples where one or both are unsure about staying
D Resources
"Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay"
By Mira Kirshenbaum. A guide for people stuck in ambivalence about whether to stay or go.
Discernment Counseling
A specific type of therapy for "mixed-agenda" couples (one wants to work on it, one isn't sure). Search for certified discernment counselors.
"Should I Stay or Go?" by Lundy Bancroft
Especially helpful if you're unsure whether what you're experiencing is normal conflict or something more serious.
A final thought
Not all relationships should be saved. Some endings are healthier than continuing in misery. But if there's genuine love underneath the pain, and both people are willing to do the hard work, many couples who seemed hopeless have found their way back.
Whatever you decide, try to treat each other with respect through the process.
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Relationships Need Ongoing Care
Reading this guide is a great first step. But relationship patterns don't change overnight. Without consistent practice, old habits creep back.
We've built a free tool to help you stay on track: regular tips and reminders delivered to your inbox, tailored to your situation, at your pace. Think of it as a gentle nudge to keep nurturing your connection.
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